The center of pain...

aight.. so something kinda brought this back into my thoughts again.. what that is, I'm keeping to myself.. but do you know what it's like to have a lot of feelings for someone but because of whatever reason it is, you can't bring those feelings to the surface and actually act on them? To anyone who says that there shouldn't be reasons for that.. there really are, trust me. It's really painful. It's something that has been really testing my patience and I know that life will continue and I will continue to grow in Christ.. but there's still that part of my heart that longs and desires for someone I care alot about, but I cannot be more than friends. If you knew the circumstances, then you'd understand. Being a guy, I don't really like to shed tears.. but the tears I do shed are for the things that truly pull at my heart. Sometimes it's tears of joy, others are tears of pain. This case, it's a little of both.. I think of the person and how much she means to me as who she is, and that moves me. Then I think of the circumstances that stand in the way of having anything more than a friendship. And now from within the dark corner of my mind, my thoughts try to convince me that nothing will come of it, and to give up. But I know.... I know that God loves me.. and I do take delight in Him.. and because of that, he will fulfill his promise, that if I delight in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. So, I do not trust to hope, but to God. He gives me my strength and allows me to continue each day to bring Him glory.

Okay.. now I've said it, wrote it down.. now to live it out....

Lameness....

Ok.. first off.. this post isn't intended to offend anyone. so if it does.. well.. get over it.

alright.. i was invited to a party this weekend.. well, actually 2. The first one i was kinda excited to go to cause it was an invitation from a good friend. so when i showed up i was happy to be there and see people i haven't seen in a while. i've been talking to a different friend the other day.. we'll call her Noelle. (i've changed the real names of the people to protect their identity) And we were talking about how some people we know can be fake. The person that invited me, we'll call him Ricky, is in no way fake.. but he was with his date and she had his attention, so i didn't feel like i got to chill with him much, which if fine. the other people that i thought were my friends just seemed to be happy in their own little world, and when i talked to them, to make a longer story not as long, got the short end of a careless conversation. there were 1 or 2 people that were cool and talked for a bit. but everyone else that i thought to be friends.. just seemed to be empty. or at least, showed no interest in the least to share a civilized conversation. So I left early because I really don't like being around plastic people. It's so annoying that people want to socialize skin deep. So anyway, I left this party and went to another party I was invited to, let's call her Katie. She is a christian, and there were a few other christians there, but the majority of the people there were non-christian. I mention this because the kind of attention I got, being a new person, was unreal! I had a pretty awesome costume that a good friend helped out alot with. He'll be named Andrew. So, people were commenting on the costume and the cool sword (the only real one there). And alot of people seemed interested socializing.. and including the new guy in the conversations. I'm just amazed at the interaction difference between a christian group and a non-christian group. I think I see why alot of people don't like church. The college group people are WAAAAY more cliquey. Incredible exclusive. I mean, it's like you gotta win the lottery or something to get in. Or somethin that has slim chances of winning. So, that's been really really fustrating me. Anyway, I just had to get that out. Feel free to tell me what you feel. Like, "you're full of it", or "yea, i know what you mean" or "pickle and peanut butter sandwiches ROCK!" So, yea. If I start acting like that, please please PLEASE slap me out of it. Aight.. I'm out.

Peace

my first picture EVER!!!!!!! ................

...... with my first digital camera!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sooooo stoked! I'm sooo happy! (yes.. it cost me some $$$) my mom helped me out financially so, that was awesome (early christmas/birthday present). anyway.. out to take more pics!!!!

WOOOT!

Rantings of a lost mind

Well, my mind may not be lost.. but it sure seems like it sometimes. I know I've said this before, but it really feels good to write crap and mindless chatter in a place where people (hopefully) read it. Usually I'm a shy guy and don't say to much about personal things. But for some reason, when I type on this blog..... I could really care less who reads it. I don't feel censored here. I posted the link to this on my myspace account, but I get the feeling no one reads those too much anyway, so people who actually do get here, either get here by clicking "next blog" and it just happens to come up. Either that or the person reading here actually does care (or at least cares enough to give advice and occasionally sympathise) and comments from the heart, or mind, or whatever drives them to say whatever it is they say. The other thing that's great about this, is that it's somehow easy to write stuff here somewhat regularly which , in turn, cause me to be slightly more literate. Which, being out of school, is definatly a good thing. *sigh*
Anyway, on to other rantings...
One thing I'm extremely excited about is that I'm finally getting a digital camera this weekend!!!! I'm so excited that I can hardly stand it. Other good things is that it's raining. I've heard many people say that rain depresses them. I feel quite different about it. It totally lifts my spirit. Mainly cause I remember having lots of rain as a child living in Washington state. I enjoyed it so much. When I look into my memory and see myself riding my bike in the forest, it seems like a jungle. Some one at some time or another had made some jumps and paths. It was like an adventure every time we (my friends and I) went out riding. I've found that I don't reminisce alot of my past. So I'm trying to do that more. I think it's important to know and remember past experiences, even from when I was a child, to help make me who I am today, and who I will be tomorrow. Thinking about my child life does kind-of make me want to go back and live the life of a carefree child who, occasionally, has chores, but mostly has endless summers and bike gangs (a word that, back then, meant group of kids or people not breaking the law). Ah, the innocence. Of course kids aren't always innocent, but oblivious to the workings of the world and the evils that occasionally cross your path. anyway.. enough of the mindless chatter. Back to work.

So on and so forth...

blah...

Life seems to be quite dull lately. Has anyone notice this happening in their lives? I know I've been busy with things to do, but why does it seem dull? I know it probably has alot to do with my attitude. As a matter of fact, that would probably be the only factor. Hmm.. interesting.

On a seperate note.
Have you ever found yourself not questioning things in life that you should be? For example, questioning why a certain thing happens, rather than just accepting it. I've made some mistakes recently (what's new..?) but I haven't really questioned why. I would just pick myself up, say "oops" and continue on. Rather than thinking through why said event happened and try to think what I could've done better if it happens again, or what could I learn. I feel like somehow I'm becoming more caliced (sp?). Almost like my heart is being hardened. It's easy to say, "just don't!" But it feels like I need to find out what is causing this to happen before I can "just don't." I can feel it happening, but I don't know how to stop it. I know, I know.. I can pray, and that's great and all, but that doesn't get me to the root of the problem (unless God shows that to me, which he hasn't yet). I know there's been times where God will harden someone's heart for a particular reason. I guess I just hope that it won't lead me to where I'm chasing someone through a parted sea and get swallowed by the collapsing walls of water. I know that I'm not incredibly stubborn and I listen to reason and those who's words I respect and trust. Anyway.. work summons me back to the grind of my monday. I hope the rest of the week won't be as tasteless. Only God knows..

Life's Fustrations...

Aight.. so, I'm going through alot more fustrations in life than normal.. but to know what I'm talking about I need to establish "normal". Normal would include disagreement with my brother slightly more than once in a week. An average of 5-6 times a month. That's normal. And on the good side of that establishment, things are below normal. We haven't fought in at least a week. I'm glad that was the first thing to come to my mind, because it's not a negative, unlike everything else. Normal would also include being upset with management at my work for things that actually do matter (not that what is happening now doesn't.. just keep reading). Just that normal is that it happens once a month or so. Normal also includes a regular interaction with friends and such. A couple times a week or so. Normal is getting spiritually fed through a few different sources in a week's time (i.e. Church, Studies, Small Groups, Fellowship etc...) including reading my bible at least 3-4 solid times a week (I'm working on pushing that number up, so relax). So, there's a slight sense of what I would consider to be normal for my life. Here are the stipulations going on to disrupt this feeling of "normality". Lots of problems at work; boss getting on my case about things completely out of my control, getting upset when I'm "not doing my job" when I'm out of their vision helping someone on the computers (which, in turn, is my job). Also I have a quasi-manager that works with me in our "self service" department, and she likes to make it seem like the store manager or project manager wants things to happen a certain way (i.e. My quasi-manager comes in at 7:00am, and myself at 8:30am. Today there was a meeting including all of the managers and assistant managers, excluding her. Her usual lunch time is at 12:30pm and mine at 1pm. Since the meeting was from 12:45pm to 4pm we had to take our lunches early. Now don't get me wrong, I don't really care about taking lunch early, but it really bothers me when she tells me that the bosses [store manager and project manager] said that I need to go first, and her after me. I said that it didn't make any sense and went to talk to them about it, and they said, "oh, that's {quasi-manager's name here}'s call. So she made it seem that they had some wierd reason for me to go first, when she just didn't want to go to lunch 15 minutes earlier. Sneaky....). That and she tells me not to help the front counter 'cause sometimes it will get busy in self serve, and I'll get caught up in a detailed order. But she won't hesitate to do the same. Anyway.. so plenty of things have been setting me off at work. That and the fact that I don't have a job that is career aimed. So some of my overall fustration lies in myself. I can be stubbornly lazy sometimes. I say "stubbornly" because I know that I intend to be lazy, but I do nothing to change it. I realize that I have control over my attitude and actions, but sometimes it get's so c0tton-pickin' hard! So.. take all that, add in the whole deal with my car.. (I don't feel like typing that whole story in this blog.. if you're curious, then ask me and I might tell you about it), add the fact that I'm 22 and don't live on my own still weighs on my mind. Also that I haven't touched college and really want to learn a couple different programs that would help me get the knowlege I'd need to start to make a move toward a career minded job. *sigh* Well, this banter has lasted long enough for one post... Good Evening...

Finally, my own real blog...

So, i've been wanting to get back into the intelectual side of the internet.. meaning blogging where my intelectual friends blog. i told a friend of mine today that i feel like i've been losing intellect because of my non-existent mindful chats and conversations. i'm hoping to fulfill that here... we'll see how it goes, i guess.